Off the topic completely again - another joke

[GTR]

Hi guys

Sharon here again with another joke that is doing the round's here at work and Itought I would share with you all, I am sure you'll get a chuckle out of this one.

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. After the second round, the bartender tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife had us join a Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though!"

Bye for now

Sharon

 

[[email protected]]

Sharon,

I'm so glad to see you posting again,

How are you? I sent GTR an e-mail yesterday, telling to call me this weekend if he can.

RG

 

[[email protected]]

In the spirit of Easter

Four nuns are standing at the gates of Heaven. St Peter asks the first nun if she ever sinned.

"Well", She admits, "I once looked at a man's penis."

"Put some holy water on your eye's and you may enter heaven," he tells her. Peter asks the second nun of she's ever sinned. "Well," she replies, "I once held a man's penis."

"Put your hand in holy water and you may enter heaven," he says.

Suddenly the fourth nun pushes past the third to get to the front of the line.

"What's the hurry?" St. Peter asks.

The nun answers, "I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

:lol: :lol:

 

[[email protected]]

A man goes to a nursing home to visit his aging father. While he's there he sees the nurse mix Viagra into his fathers hot chocolate.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"The hot chocolate will help him sleep," she explains.

"And the Viagra?" the man asks.

"It keeps him from rolling out of the bed."

:lol:

 

[GTR]

Hey Rodney

That's not a problem, we will call Sunday your time as it is a long weekend here in Canberra. Will send you an email later tonight.

Cheers

Sharon

 

[Nigtmare]

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a

state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to

himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his

lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two

in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't

understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the

problem?"

The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the

route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned

and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK?

These women seem awfully shaken"

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 127

 

[[email protected]]

It's a mailman's last day on the job after 35 years, and at every house he's congratulated with hugs, cash even whiskey and cigars.

At the last house he's greeted by a smoking hot blonde dressed only in lingerie who leads the mailman up to her bedroom for hours of passionate sex.

Afterwards, the women fixes him a big breakfast of eggs, pancakes, sausage and hash browns. As she pours the mailman a cup of coffee, he notices a five-dollar bill under his plate.

"This is all to wonderful for words," he say's, "but what's the five for?"

"Well," she say's "Last night I told my husband today would be your last day. When I asked what we should do for you, he said 'Screw him, give him a five spot.' But breakfast was all my idea!"

:lol: :lol:

Peace to my brother Rodney Dangerfield!

 

[Ron Olson]

The teacher says one Friday, "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first

and correctly, can leave early today. "

Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm clever,

that answer's mine!"

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago?

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln!"

The teacher said, "That's right, Susie. You may leave." Johnny was

mad. Susie had answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King!"

The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may leave." Johnny was

even

madder than before. Mary had answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'Ask not, what your country can do for

you?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F. Kennedy".

The teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may leave." Johnny was

fuming.

Nancy had answered first.

As the teacher sat down, Johnny muttered, "I wish those bitches had

kept their

mouths shut!"

The shocked teacher angrily asked, "Who said that!?"

Johnny jumped up and hollered, "Bill Clinton! See you Monday!"

 

[Don Ferrette]

THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY - WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.

THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMEN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE HILLBILLY WOMEN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE HILLBILLY WOMEN FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT, I'M GETTIN' A FAX."

 

[jeff baham]

a man tells his son to tell his mom, that this is the last check she will get, and to kiss my ass, then watch the expression on her face.

so, the little boy goes over to his mothers house and tell her, mom, dad said this is your last check and to kiss his ass, then watch the expression on your face.

the mom said, reaching for the check,well son, when you get back by your daddy, tell him your're not his son and watch the expression on his face. lol.

 

[Bob Morton]

Don :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Tim_Duggan]

Isolation

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After 6 months of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbour from 40 miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night.... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you.... There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.

"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

 

[Nigtmare]

A man was walking in the woods and came to a cottage where the walls were covered with clocks. He asked the woman who owned the cottage what all the clocks were for.

She replied that everyone in the world had a clock, and every time you told a lie your clock advanced a second.

He saw a clock that was hardly moving and when he remarked about it he was told that it was Mother Teresa's. He then asked where Bill Clinton's clock was.

The woman replied, "It's in the kitchen, we're using it as a ceiling fan."

:lol: :lol: