OT: Before you upgrade your software read this

[Preston_Hall]

INSTALLING A WIFE

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow

down in overall system performance, particularly in the fun and sexual applications,

which operated flawlessly under Girlfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Wife 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as

Screwing 9.5 and Cooking 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as:

SPENDING 5.0,

NAGGING 3.0 and

BITCHING 9.1

SomewhatReasonable 8.0 no longer runs, and Screwing 9.5 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running SmackHer 5.3 to fix these problems, but it either

makes the system have all sorts of gliches or entirely shuts down.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Girlfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Wife 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: WhatTheHellIsyourProblemBitch.html and try to download IgnoreHerAss 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt-trip 9 .0 update.

If that application works as designed, Wife 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Screwing 9.5 and Cooking 6.5

However, remember that overuse of the above application can cause Wife 1.0 to default to PsychoBitch9.5, Bankruptcy7.0

or worse yet Boyfriend 2.5

Please note that even PsychoBitch9.5 is a very bad program that will download the IWantToShootMyself Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install ListenToYourFriendsOrSister 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Girlfriend 5.0. These are unsupported applications and will crash Wife 1.0 or default to Divorce 1.00.

In summary, Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:

Drinking 3.0 and

Football 7.7

Tech Support

 

[kcvnd]

LOL!!!!!!

Thanks for the tip. I have been running Girlfriend 5.0 now for the past eight years and having a lot of fun with its great performance! However, I ordered Wife 1.0 about a year ago and placed it on the shelf until I finish med school. Hopefully, I can manage to push back the install day of Wife 1.0 and keep it on the shelf a bit longer!!!!

 

[Ray Sametz]

When all else fails, it's best to install CHEAPER TO KEEP HER 1.0 Since it's 50/50 in most states. B)

 

[Ron Olson]

Wife 1.0 didn't work out so I upgraded to Wife 2.0 . While performance was much better for a while it seemed to get a virus, whatthehelldoyouwant 10.0 . The cooking program failed as it could only fix anything hamburger based.

Wife 2.0 seems to have an expanded memory card as it stores anything that I ever did wrong and repeatedly lets me know with updates. The file can not be cleaned.

Another expansion file in the Wife 2.0 program includes the thigh and abdominal areas plus the junkinthetrunk storage unit.

 

[Preston_Hall]

Wife 1.0 didn't work out so I upgraded to Wife 2.0 . While performance was much better for a while it seemed to get a virus, whatthehelldoyouwant 10.0 . The cooking program failed as it could only fix anything hamburger based.Wife 2.0 seems to have an expanded memory card as it stores anything that I ever did wrong and repeatedly lets me know with updates. The file can not be cleaned.

Another expansion file in the Wife 2.0 program includes the thigh and abdominal areas plus the junkinthetrunk storage unit.

Expanded memory card............... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[piper_chuck]

Preston, is there a particular reason you were reading up on this subject?

 

[misshydro]

Man that was very funny!!! :lol: But you guys are meanies too! You better hope your wife's or girlfriends don't see this post or she'll 9.0/deep6 your boats in the recycle bin with auto dump/crush/burn!!! with in the doghouse 9.5.Then sleeping on the couch,garage or car 8.0 with long recovery time. That could lead to divorce/breakup with your dumb/sorry buttz 10.0... Then without a bailout to bankruptcy 10.5=bye bye toys 12.0.

 

[Bob Morton]

A women worries about her future until she gets a husband

A man worries about his future when he gets a wife

 

[P THOMAS]

Be sure to get the HIGH Maintenance warranty before starting any version wife operating system :lol:

 

[Preston_Hall]

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about

3 seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...

So I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me', and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started

.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= =

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.

------------------------------------------------------

"If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster." -- Isaac Asimov

 

[Preston_Hall]

What's Santa bringing you?

 

[Preston_Hall]

Still fighting

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace

expensive....

So, I took her to a gas station .....

And then the fight started....

****

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were

in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

********

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social

Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license

to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my

wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would

have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That

silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.' And she processed my

Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the

Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.

You

might have gotten Disability, too!'

And then the fight started.....

****

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed

the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up

to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on

the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went

back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I

cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and

whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband

is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started ...

****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I

kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a

nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to

drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she

hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started ...

****

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road

and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes

you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT

HAPPY!

!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started ...

****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And then the fight started ...

****

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not

happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I

look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started ...

 

[misshydro]

LOL!!!LOL!!LOL!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Now that funny!!!!

 

[jetpack]

A couple of stocking stuffers to the wife to consider...

 

[Andy Greene]

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were

in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

PRICELESS-

Thanks Preston, I REALLY needed a good laugh,

but I'm gonna be here for ever cleaning the beer I just spit in my keyboard

Never a good woman around when you need em-

And then the fight started. LOL

Andy

 

[glenng]

A man came home from work, sat down in the recliner turned the T.V. on and told his wife "get me a beer before it starts" . She brings him a beer. A short while later he tells her "bring me a beer before it starts". She gives him a dirty look and brings him a beer. A while later he says "bring me a beer before it starts". His wife gets very upset and explains loudly that she has been cooking, cleaning and ironing all day and resents being ordered around. The husband says " Oh sh*% it's started"!!!

 

[Don Ferrette]

Wife 2.0 seems to have an expanded memory card as it stores anything that I ever did wrong and repeatedly lets me know with updates. The file can not be cleaned.

OMG!! Laughing so frikkin' hard it hurts!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Craig Knight]

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that

I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first,

the truck, the car, playing golf Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day,

I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I

was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a

toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as

well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which

one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

 

[opio]

ha ha ha ha ha

 

[Dick Loeb]

INSTALLING A WIFE This is great stuff Thanks Dick Loeb
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow

down in overall system performance, particularly in the fun and sexual applications,

which operated flawlessly under Girlfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Wife 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as

Screwing 9.5 and Cooking 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as:

SPENDING 5.0,

NAGGING 3.0 and

BITCHING 9.1

SomewhatReasonable 8.0 no longer runs, and Screwing 9.5 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running SmackHer 5.3 to fix these problems, but it either

makes the system have all sorts of gliches or entirely shuts down.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Girlfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Wife 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: WhatTheHellIsyourProblemBitch.html and try to download IgnoreHerAss 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt-trip 9 .0 update.

If that application works as designed, Wife 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Screwing 9.5 and Cooking 6.5

However, remember that overuse of the above application can cause Wife 1.0 to default to PsychoBitch9.5, Bankruptcy7.0

or worse yet Boyfriend 2.5

Please note that even PsychoBitch9.5 is a very bad program that will download the IWantToShootMyself Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install ListenToYourFriendsOrSister 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Girlfriend 5.0. These are unsupported applications and will crash Wife 1.0 or default to Divorce 1.00.

In summary, Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:

Drinking 3.0 and

Football 7.7

Tech Support