OT: But too funny not to share

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Myron_Sleeva

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 11, 2003
Messages
93
WORKSHOP TOOLS

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat

metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and

flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly

painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint and rust off bolts and then throws them somewhere under

the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints

and hard-earned work calluses in about the time it takes you to say,

"$hit...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their

holes until you burn the surrounding area.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable

motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more

dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,

they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of

your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable

objects in your workshop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease

inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and

motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½

socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you

have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly

under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to try to lever a car upward off a

hydraulic jack handle.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another

hydraulic floor jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters from the douglas fir 4X4.

"SNAP-ON" GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for

spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-**** off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known

drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on

everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry-bar that inexplicably

has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a

drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"

which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,

it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same

rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first

few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its

name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style

paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be

used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning

power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that

travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty

bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone with an even bigger compressor and neatly

rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or

bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is

used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not

far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of

cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well

on contents such as seats, liquids in plastic bottles,

collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow

eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in

foresight.
 
I'm feeling paranoid, like someone is standing behind me taking notes every time that I use a tool. :blink:
 
:lol: :lol: The "electric drill ,"Craftsman 16 inch screwdriver" and "trouble light" :lol: :lol: :lol:

I HAVE Broken Ribs! It Was Well Worth It,, My kinda humor,Great!
 
Should have posted a warning to not be drinking when reading.

When I first read this, I had to do a little clean up. Coffee through the nose is very messy !

And Joe, it's not just in your garage. Trust me !
 
.........and don't forget -

AIR RATCHET- tool powered by aforementioned air compressor that upon failing to loosen over torqued bolt will reverse ratchet wedging your hand between itself & a painfully immoveable object simultaneously jamming the trigger full on in a position you cannot reach with your other hand.
 
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Black Hole Effect: Any of the above mentioned hand tools stangely disappear when back is turned....... :lol: :lol: :lol:

Gener :p
 
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.........and don't forget -

AIR RATCHET- tool powered by aforementioned air compressor that upon failing to loosen over torqued bolt will reverse ratchet wedging your hand between itself & a painfully immoveable object simultaneously jamming the the trigger full on in a position you cannot reach with your other hand.

Sure glad that has NEVER happened to me. 8>) But on that same thought:

Air chisel - an air powered weapon of mass destruction used to shoot metal projectiles clear across the room since the poorly designed retainer is doomed to fail just as the point slips off the intended target.

Don't get me started on cordless tools ! ! !
 
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