Off the Topic completely - Joke

[GTR]

Hi all this is GTR better half here I just received a joke that I’m sure you guys would get a laugh at - and it came from a fellow male worker too lol:

True Female Joke:

I have long contended there are male jokes and there are female jokes.

Here is a joke I consider a true female joke.

I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will

pass it along to a woman who will love it.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her

girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy

middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not

take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked

directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned

over and whispered to her, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you

want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00, on one condition.”

(There are always conditions.)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just

three words.” (Controlling, huh?)

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed

a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man’s hand along

with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and

meaningfully said:

“Clean my house.”



Have a good one guys

Cheers

Sharon

 

[Slideblues]

:lol: :lol: :lol: Good one Sharon!!!!

Best laugh I've had in a while,

Gene

 

[TimD]

Here's another I got on email today.

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet pub. She gestures

alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he

arrives, she signals him to bring his face closer to hers. When he does she

begins to gently caress his full beard. Are you the manager she asks, softly

stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak with him" she says, running

her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues,

running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a

couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender barely manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or

paper towels in the ladies rest room."

 

[Cleatus Cooper]

Keep em coming

 

[Slideblues]

ROFLMAO!!!!! Geeeez Mate!!!! Ptooey.....Spit Spit!!!

 

[Cleatus Cooper]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi, you dumb ass. Someone has stolen tent."

 

[Don Ferrette]

Well here's one for all.............

A quick thinker -----

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he

settled in he glanced up and saw a beautiful woman boarding the plane. He

soon realized that she was heading straight toward his seat. As fate would

have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a

conversation he blurted out "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual

Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had everseen

sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your role at

the convention?"

She responded, "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I

have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular

myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men

are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American

Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is

that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish

descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the

absolutely best stamina is the Southern redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm

sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I

don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me

Bubba."

 

[Slideblues]

Dang my sides are hurting now!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[TimD]

Yesterday, university scientists released the results of a recent

Analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. Beer

contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking

enough beer , men can turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 beers each within a

2 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1. Gained weight

2. Talked excessively without making sense

3. Became overly emotional

4. Couldn't drive

5. Failed to think rationally

6. Argued over nothing

7. Had to sit down while urinating

8. Refused to apologise when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary.

 

[Nigtmare]

The bigges air traffic accident in the canadian history happened when a two seater plane crashed into a Newfoundland cemetry. Newfie rescue workers have dug up 850 bodies, and a reporter says that the count is expected to go up.

 

[EatMyShortsRacing]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were surrounded by angry Indians...

Lone Ranger "Well it looks like we are done for this time..."

Tonto "what do you mean WE?.... Paleface!!"

 

[Don Ferrette]

As sent to me by my sister.......

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly,

the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife

to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not

wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a

piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and

he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his

wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is

always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Was hard to argue with this one.

 

[TimD]

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked

to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing

box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my

things up." "Oh!....... And please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is,

did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise

looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why

didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied, "I did! They're in your #&^*ing fishing box!!!!....

 

[Ron Olson]

Honest to God true story, it happened to me at work. It HAD to be a Blonde.

I was working on one of three machines in my department, two of them have phones. I answered an outside call with someone looking for an employee that was working on another machine about 150 feet away. I told her that he was at the other machine and gave her the complete phone number, all 7 digits. She then asked me if it was the same area code!

Where's the snappy comeback lines when you need them?

 

[TimD]

A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post

in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel

hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the

camel is kept there.

"Well sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men

here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ..m-m-m.... urges.

That's why we have the camel, sir."

The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand

about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his

own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the

camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood

on it, and had wild, insane $ex with the camel. When he was done, he

asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the

camel into town where the girls are."

 

[MarkScott]

Here's a true blond story. Mary, the kids and I were in a baby store. In walks a couple with a double stroller.. A blond walks up and asks the mother if they are twins.. :huh: Ah, ya think? Look the same, dressed the same. :lol:

Mark.

 

[MarkScott]

 

[MarkScott]

Here's some for Sharon...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman says, "I'm gonna miss you."

---------------------------------------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Rick says as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

-----------------------------------

He said - "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly."

She said - "Well, you succeeded."

--------------------------------------------

He said - "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"

She said - "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."

_____

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good-looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

--------------------------------

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What

setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of [SIZE=14pt]Missouri[/SIZE]."

-------------

And they say blondes are dumb . . . .

--------------------------------------------

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger .......Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!! (Gotta love that fairy!)

-----------------------------------------

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

******************

He said....I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said....You wear pants don't you?

******************

On a wall in a ladies room...."My husband follows me everywhere" Written just below it....

" I do not"

***********************

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

A. He buys two cases of beer.

******************************

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?

A. The bonds mature.

********************************

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?

A. So men can remember them.

********************************

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A. We don't know; it has never happened.

********************************

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

A. They already have boyfriends.

*********************************

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A. A widow

**********************************

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?

A. - Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.

- Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

**************************************

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

A. They're married.

****************************

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."

=============================

Ouch. Some of those hurt putting in there....

 

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Man walks into a Barber shop and said "HEY BUDDY, HOW LONG OF A WAIT?", the Barber tells him "ABOUT 2 HOURS", the man turns around and leaves, the next day the same man comes in and asks "HEY BUDDY, HOW LONG OF A WAIT?", the Barber tells him "ABOUT 2 HOURS", couple days later the man comes in again and said "HEY BUDDY, HOW LONG OF A WAIT?", the Barber tells him "ABOUT 2 HOURS", very next day the man comes in and asks the Barber ""HEY BUDDY, HOW LONG OF A WAIT?", the Barber tells him "ABOUT 1 HOUR", this time the man leaves and the Barber asks his friend to go follow the guy to see where he keeps going, 30 minutes later the friend comes back into the Barber shop laughing and said "HE'S BEEN GOING TO YOUR HOUSE!" :lol: